A Bittersweet Moment

As a parent, we love watching our kids grow up and reach every milestone we could have only dreamed of them reaching.  We relish in their first words, their first smile, their first steps.  We take a million photos, record the event so we can watch it over and over again, and share the news with family and friends.  But the other side of being so happy for those milestone moments, is the fact that they also make us just a tad bit sad because hitting a milestone means our babies are growing up and fast.

For months now, I dreamt of the day when my toddler would give up breastfeeding.  Yes!  I know.  I was still breastfeeding my almost 3 year old.... shocking!  But I was.  I was adamant about breastfeeding all my kids.  At least in the beginning.  And I was more than willing to do baby led weaning, which meant that I would listen to their cues as to when they were ready to wean.  Well, my first three children all weaned on their own so I never had to force stop them from the boob.  But this fourth child of mine just seemed unwilling to quit.

After his first birthday, I started counting down the days when he would let me know when he was ready to quit.  I saw no signs of that, so I continued.  As his 2nd birthday fast approached I wonder if this would be it... the time when he would just refuse to breastfeed.  No such luck.  And having him breastfeed at 2 years old meant I was a permanent and constant pacifier, not getting much rest at night even, when he would wake up just to suck.

I needed to wean, forget about baby led, he was no longer a baby but a full fledged toddler.  I had no experience dealing with a breastfeeding toddler as all my other kids quit long before the age of two. But this kid of mine needed to stop breastfeeding, yet he still showed no signs of giving it up.  I eventually weaned him off the boob during the day as I was tired of being his soother as soon as I sat down.  Only breastfeeding at night seemed to be a small compromise but I was still not getting much sleep as some nights he would want to suck non-stop.

I knew I had to wean (and I wanted to) but another part of me wasn't ready to.  He was my baby.  My last child.  I felt that bond we had when he was being breastfed.  I kept picturing his little face as he nuzzled up against my chest.  I wanted to hold on to that.  So how do I wean when I really was not willing to wean after all?

The day finally came and it has been almost 2 weeks now since my toddler has held my boob in his mouth.  There are days he still asks for it, especially at night.  But I stand firm and he just drops off to sleep without it.  The first few nights were rough, especially the first night.  That night I was unwilling to breastfeed because I was sick.  Since he went that first night without breastfeeding, I decided to try another night and see how that panned out.  I just kept going night after night after that. I have to say the best part about not breastfeeding anymore is I get a full nights sleep... he no longer wakes up in the middle of the night to suck.  I can finally sleep uninterrupted.  But I still feel a little bit sad that I will never breastfeed again.  No more cute faces nuzzled up against my chest staring into my eyes with such love.  I will miss that!