Monday, January 25, 2010

I Get So Lonely...

Sometimes. I blogged about not having any 'real' friends here before. And it just gets harder and harder for. I guess I keep blogging about it because it's a sore subject for me.

My friend, my closest friend that I had here in Costa Rica, is no longer that to me anymore. She is so distant. Our relationship is strained and she is moving farther and farther away from me. Yes, she leads a different life than I do. She has no kids. She works. And she has family here... TWO sisters AND a sister in law. I just don't fit into her life anymore, like I used to.

She never comes over to visit me anymore. She was on vacation for like 2 months, and I could count the amount of times I saw her (minus the times we hung out as a group with Hubby's girl cousins or at family gatherings). She's never home and when I call her she never answers her phone. When I try to set up a girl friend play date, she always brushes me off... she'll tell me to come one day, but when I call her she doesn't pick up her phone and when I stop by she's never at home. It's like she's trying to send me a message and I think that message is "leave me alone"! :(

I really think I am reading more into it, making my mind play dirty tricks on me. But it's hard NOT to feel that way. I met up with her by accident at Boobie's best friend's house (which happens to be her mom's house as well; she's Boobie's best friend's aunt). I decided it was my chance to catch up with her; shoot the breeze so to speak. Well, the whole time I was there, she was on her laptop, barely making eye contact with me. The conversation was forced and one sided... I did all the talking and she barely responded. I got a little shame faced and ended up leaving. I try to get up with her, but like I said many times before, she's never home and she never answers her phone.. or at least she never answers when I call.

It hurts. And there are days I just wish I had even ONE close friend to talk to. I miss not having any family here, which makes the friend thing even harder. I know I shouldn't feel so lonely, after all I have my kids and Hubby. But it's not the same. And Hubby's cousins are only friends by default. They are related to me in some sort of way and so it's just not the same. They have their true friends and family here to fill the gap for them, so they don't feel too lonely or friendless.

I said in my other blog that a friend will come if I just wait. Well, I've been waiting and so far, no luck. Hubby thinks it's hard for me to make friends because I am not OUT there. Meaning, he has made a few 'friends' and many acquaintances because he works. It's easier to find people you're compatible with when you are either working or going to school. I never thought being a stay at home mom would make it so hard to find friends. If anything I thought it would be easier.

Anyway, Boobie will be starting a new school soon and I am going to put myself out there. Market ME, if you will.

I will try and volunteer more to get myself noticed (something I have always wanted to do but never took the initiative, mostly because I never felt right at any of Boobie's old schools). Hopefully, with me putting myself out there, a friend will be waiting in the wings; waiting for a friend like me.


Patsy :) said...

Hang in there! I'm a SAHM too...and I keep myself busy with kids, hubby and blogging! I love photography so, I enjoy taking photos and telling a story. Friends will become easier once you meet the parents of your children's classmates. It will be a start to some new friendships! Patience, my blog friend...a friend is waiting for you too!

Rina said...

Thanks. I wish you lived closer... you seem pretty cool.