Great Expectations...

I am a little disappointed in myself for the way I am mothering my older son, Boobie.

I think I am way too harsh on him. I am becoming the kind of parent I never wanted to be. I don't expect perfection but I am all too expectant of his behavior to be model-like. Now that he has little siblings, I look to him to set an example. And that is where I go wrong.

As the oldest, my sister was always told to be the leader, set an example. She hated it. She couldn't just live her life, she had to be a role model. And if she dared 'slip up', she was chastised.

Now I have blogged and complained and whined about Boobie's not so great behavior at school and at home. He likes to talk back and he is very stubborn. He has some great character traits that will take him far in life, but those traits are a set back for him at 9.

As I complained my dear sister's ears off the other day about yet another example of my son's bad behavior, she reminded me that what I was complaining about was actually just normal kid stuff.

"He's not out there trying to kill anybody, Carina," she said. "His teachers just need to chill, he's a kid, and that's what kids do."

I had to take a step back for minute. She was right. I mean, granted, I do feel for the teachers. To have to deal with a head-strong kid like mine. But seriously, it's not like he's THAT bad. And I think I let the teacher's opinions of my son color my vision a little.

Yes, he did mark his name TWICE in his desk at school. I remember when my cousin did that at the age of 13 in the hallway wall. My sister's take on it: "It's just a desk".

Yes, he has an attitude. I cannot remember a day I went without an attitude check when I was younger. It just happens that he started his 'moods' a little younger. But he's not an all around 'bad' kid, as my sister, yet again, reminded me.

I am way too harsh with him, I know. And I don't want him to remember this childhood as one filled with punishment, and mal-treatment. I don't want his memories of me, once he gets older, to be one of a mom who yelled a lot or called him names when he didn't do something right. I owe him an apology and I think we just need to start fresh.

I can't believe it took my sister to open my eyes and take those dark colored shades off. She was always the sensible one. I just hope it's not too late to start fresh with my first born, baby boy.

It must be a lot for him to handle. His teachers are down on him, his mother is down on him and on top of it all, he has to deal with not being an only child anymore. If Princess is jealous of Fatty stealing her lime-light, then how must Boobie feel. He has to share his spotlight with TWO of them.

I am glad I realized this before it's too late. I hardly remember specifics of my life at 9 . I am hoping I can turn over this new leaf so as to erase his memory of all the bad stuff. But I know that's wishful thinking. Kids tend to grasp on to the negative. If they had a great childhood and then something tragic or terrible happens, that one event can erase most, if not all, of their wonderful memories. But Boobie is a smart kid (I know and I am proud of him... I should tell him more often). He knows what I expect and I think once we have a talk I can be more reasonable with my expectations of him.

He has a voice and I want him to be able to use it... to be heard. Of course at the appropriate times. I still demand respect but he deserves respect too. I still want him to behave in school, if for just a few hours a day while in class. I still want him to check his attitude at the door. But I also realize he is still a kid. Kids mess up, hell we all mess up... nobody's perfect. So I need to remember that and ease up a bit. And once I can do that, I think Boobie will benefit from it and learn to behave a little better. And I think our relationship will get better as well. I don't want him to drift apart from me as he grows up.

I always wanted to be the mom who had kids that trusted in her. Who had kids that told her everything, no matter the consequence. Like the way I am with my mom. I want Boobie and I to able to be friends once he gets older. I need that. I just figured I would have been a different mom. A more loving mom. But with Boobie, I don't know where I went wrong. I took a mis-step somewhere and now I have to retrace my steps to correct it. But I am willing to admit my faults and do something about it.

There's nothing wrong with having great expectations for our children... every parent wants what's best for their child. But I think we try and force our expectations on them, stifling them and when they don't perform up to par, we're ready top pounce. Well, let this be a lesson learned (and I have it written down as proof). I will mother my child, my Boobie, the way I always dreamed I would. Kids are small, they don't need to feel any smaller by the ones they love. I will be a more patient, loving, nurturing, understanding, fun mom. And no matter how long it takes me, I will accomplish this goal. I am after all, Carina. I don't like to quit. And when I put my mind to doing something, especially something so important, I get it done. Boobie needs me to succeed at being a better mother to him. And I need to succeed for me too.

Here's to fresh start.