Men Don't Get It... Most Of The Time

Let me first start off by saying, I am not THAT into material things. It saddens me, yes, when I lose something I cherish, but I don't spin out of control or into a downward spiral of depression.

I have come to terms with the loss (which were my fault) of many of my personal belongings that were near and dear to my heart, including Boobies baptism booties and his very first book. It breaks my heart to know these items, that meant so much to me, are now gone forever... and when I think of them, I do get sad. But I get over it, as life goes on and there are more important things in this world to fret over.

Now, one thing I feel regret over every time I think of them, are the many disposable cameras I left behind (over 10) that were undeveloped and filled with captured memories of Christmas in our first apartment, Boobies 5th birthday party with his first clown and just snapshots of his young life.

Most of all, pictures mean a lot to me because it captures a time long gone that you can never get back but will always remember when you look at the picture. I fear by not having those documents, they will slowly fade from my memory and Boobie will not have those images to recollect and smile as he relives his childhood. How will he remember all the wonderful things he did when he was young without the aid of photographs?

I take pictures of everything. Princess learning to swing on the swing set by herself warrants a photo op and even some video to relive that moment. Fatty eating his toes... photo op! Boobie playing with his siblings nicely... yup, picture time!

I sometimes bring out the camera at odd times, like Princess doing a somersault for the first time or Fatty eating one of his sister's Barbies. But it's these times that I will most certainly forget in my mind and will want to remember in the future; the little things that slip through the creases and folds of my brain to be forever pushed aside, trapped in a void where memories seem to get lost. And without pictures or videos, never to be reclaimed again.

One thing I NEED to do for my kids is document their lives as best I can while they are still young and carefree... I know that they will want those memories later in life. So when hubby lost the camera, I lost it.

The camera wasn't mine. It belonged to my friend. Since the day our $800 Cannon rebel digital camera got stolen (another LONG story), I have been using a borrowed camera to take pictures of my kids. Though the camera was poor quality, I was grateful to my friend for letting me use it. I was able to get most shots I needed and even a few video footages for my family archives. I have no idea how long my friend had had this camera but I had been using it and taking good care of it for her for months. Then I loaned it to hubby for ONE day and he lost it. I was so mad I could have shit acid without flinching and not even realize my asshole missing later.

I wanted to strangle him. He (mistakenly) thought it was just about the camera and kept saying how he would "talk to my friend and pay her back for her camera" (those were the wrong words and not what I wanted to hear).

Obviously, if it were so easy to just go out and buy a damn camera, I would prefer to NOT have to buy a camera that we would have to hand over to someone else. I would prefer to spend that money on a decent camera for me. But now, we have that trouble to deal with. Who even knows if the camera had sentimental value to my friend and how she would react to the news. Of course, I feel partly at fault because the camera was my responsibility and I let her down by handing it over to my dip headed hubby... what kind of person can't take care enough to borrow a camera for one day and bring said camera back safe and sound.... who???


Most of all though, as mad as I was about him losing the camera, I'm more pissed about my pictures and videos ON the camera, which I had failed to download beforehand (my fault). Over 40 pictures (I can't even remember now what some of the pictures were) and minutes of video now forever lost to me; my kids deprived of that part of their lives, precious moments I can never relive or get back that I managed to capture on film. This hurts me the most.

YES!!! It is about the pictures, as trivial as it sounds, and I wanted him to acknowledge my feelings and empathize. Why should I not be upset over such a thing.... why should I not express my disappointment in him. He did, after all, let me down. I trusted him with something important to me and he lost it. Yes, when I heard him admit to losing the camera (I knew in my gut for days, but having him say it was like a bullet piercing my chest) I reacted a bit too harshly, but I apologize not... it was an honest emotion to a very deep hurt.

It's easy to say I can just take more photos, film more video footage to make up for the lost ones... try and recapture what I had before. But it just doesn't work like that. First, I would have to get a camera. Then I would have to try and remember what it was I took pictures of that I found to be so important in the first place to capture on film.

Now I am stuck without the device to so, unless I go the disposable route again (and we all know how that ends up... undeveloped throw-aways piled up high somewhere).

All I can think of are all the little moments I am missing out on; all the cute things my kids do to make me want to take pictures of them, but can't. When I see my Princess dressed in my sunglasses, her little purse, pushing her doll stroller with her baby in it, I want to run to the office to get the camera. But then I have to remember it' s not there... the spot lays empty where it once sat on the computer desk. I have no camera... and that moment will not last forever. I will miss the opportunity to document precious little moments like these and in time, they will get sucked up into that void of space in my brain where many memories go to die and are never remembered again. The irreplaceable things are what mean the most to me... because when they are gone, you can never get them back. And sometimes, men just don't get that.