The Trouble With My In-laws

If you're married, engaged or seriously dating someone, then you know what a slippery slope it can be trying to maintain a good relationship with your in-laws (important especially if you have children).

And anyone with in-laws will tell you that sometimes that slope can get pretty damn slippery... to the point where lines are blurred and boundaries crossed, to sometimes result in a tense situation.

Take my in-laws, for instance. I love them to pieces. They are generally nice people and they are good to my kids. They dote on them, spoil them just a little too much and are at the ready to step in with a loving hand or a soothing kiss. I know all three of my children are in great hands.

They treat my kids like their own... which I appreciate. But when you have in-laws who tend to over step their 'place' as grandparents, into a more parent type role, it can sometimes cause problems. However, I have come to accept that my in-laws are a bit too involved when it comes to my children. I even welcome their input sometimes because I know they 'mean' well. Plus, my mother in-law treads very carefully when it comes to her stepping on my 'mommy toes' and knows that when it comes to the topic of my mothering abilities, she has not a foot to stand on. So no harm, no foul... that has been my motto.

Besides there are bigger issues to tackle than worrying about whether my mother-in-law had the right to give my son permission to watch tv on a weekday or give my daughter a snack right before dinnertime.

My biggest beef with my in-laws at the moment, is their inability to let us live our own lives. And by us, I mean my hubby, who is an extension of me, because his life IS my life. It really should not have come as a surprise to me when my over-involved in-laws started interfering in our personal 'adult' lives, but it still threw me for a loop.

Ok, lets start from the beginning. I am here because of three people. My hubby, my father-in-law and his wife, hubby's mother: my mother-in-law.

While hubby was excited from the get-go about moving to Costa Rica and finally getting the chance to own a house, I was at first hesitant. I was to up-root myself and move away from my ENTIRE family, my support system. So, of course, I was a bit more cautious. Seeing my hesitation, my mother-in-law was quick to remind me that, if after a year of living in paradise, I still found that I just wasn't happy, I could always move back home.

Knowing how close we would be living to my in-laws, I reminded hubby of the many reasons we had moved out of his parent's home just a few years before:

"Hubby, do you really want to live so close to your parents?" I asked.

"Why not", hubby, gleaming with joy, countered back.

"Ok", I said, "It's just that, well, you know your parents. They can be a bit much... nosy, controlling, a bit too involved. Remember?"

No matter. He figured things had changed, so he gladly accepted his fathers request to relocate and all too happily accepted the keys to our new home... really the best choice at the time.

But after three years of living RIGHT NEXT DOOR to my in-laws, we have often wondered if we made a mistake... not moving to Costa Rica, but moving so close to them.

For a while, the benefits were good. Built in babysitters, financial help, help with most, if not all, yard work and home repairs and maintenance.

When I got sick with morning sickness (this should be classified as a disease for pregnant women), my mother-in-law cleaned my house, did my laundry and cooked meals.... a big help to hubby, who had to work. She even took care of Princess for me, with nary a complaint on her end, when I was pregnant again for the third time and didn't have the strength.

My father-in-law was more willing to lend us a hand with his wallet. Money for school tuition, new appliances, new furniture, a crib for the new baby, shopping sprees, spur of the moment dinners out. And the list goes on.

But with all those 'benefits' came a price-tag, hidden beneath. As long as we pretty much lived our lives in accordance with their 'rules', all the benefits would keep coming. Mess up, and you get cut off. So to speak.

I noticed this 'jealous like' behavior not long after we settled into our new neighborhood and hubby started making new friends. One friend in particular, O, became a familiar face around our home. He was at the house most days when hubby wasn't working. He became sort of a fixture and hubby started spending most of his free time with O. It bothered me a bit... but mostly because I had no friends of my own I could hang out with. I was a TEENY TINY BIT jealous.... I wanted to spend hubby's free time with him.

On the other hand, the people hubby's new found friendship should have bothered the least were my in-laws, yet it bothered them the most. Odd. But I know people who have intrusive in-laws like mine can relate.

Anytime O came over, father-in-law made a stink. Mind you, O has never set foot in their home, but for some unforeseen reason, father-in-law would get pissed anytime the gate bell rang and O was on the other end. Mother-in-law even confided in me how she didn't like O and asked me why I didn't mind him visiting my home so frequently. Now because we live RIGHT NEXT DOOR and we share the same property, our comings and goings and our visitors are pretty public knowledge to our in-laws. That's all well and good... but it's not ok to tell us who we can have in our home.

I usually let things like the blatant invasion of privacy slide, knowing that they mean well and the fact that they really are good people. But their constant prying, outright lies at times and just plain rude behavior started to wear me down.

I have come to understand my mother-in-law, somewhat... her sometimes odd behavior and brash attitude. She tends to have less tact than a toddler But she still puzzles me, as does her husband. They can't seem to understand why certain things they do or say would offend me or hubby, their son of 27 years!!!

Every time they would intrude on our lives, I shrugged my shoulders (in response to questions like "Why does he have to go out" ) and told them to talk to hubby. Let him fight his own battles. They are HIS parents after all. He is the one that needs to talk to them and let them know that sometimes, they just need to back off... just a little.

I have nodded my head a million times at all the unsolicited (and sometimes irrelevant) advice from my mother-in-law, been a listening ear as she complained about her husband and all the terrible things he does, gossiped with her about other people, even my own hubby (shameful as charged). But then the 'incident' occurred and I just had it.

I have not uttered 2 words to my mother in law since the 'incident', while father-in-law does what he does best by trying to shuffle it under the rug. Our relationship has suffered and I doubt it ever will be the same again.

I had grown very close to them, though some days, they made me want to scream. But I like them. I miss my mother-in-law and our little 'talks'. Our driving trips. Her helpful ways. But until they realize how far over the line they crossed, and make an effort to change, the relationship will be what it is.... we're grasping at land to try and find common ground but we're just drowning.

Holidays will be tainted now... not something to look forward to, but more of something I will probably dread. And birthdays, well I doubt my mother-in-law will be eager to help out anymore.

I miss them... I miss the relationship. And I hope one day (soon) things will get better. My father-in-law mentioned putting the 'incident' behind us and moving on. And I want to believe something like that will never happen again. I guess all I can do is keep my fingers crossed.